“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Just as the prophecy foretold
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.