*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.