Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.