It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
prepare for carbonated trouble
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy