When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
You Might Also Like
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling