‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.