Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Holy shit he’s back
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]