been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
The 6 types of sex
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Good news
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T