I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*