If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Lube but for my dry humor.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Stop sending me this shit.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.