For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.