Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.