doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
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I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*Seductively hides in the woods
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??