[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka