Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Meow?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.