[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb