[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila