Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Oh we’ve met.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.