this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
You Might Also Like
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.