I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed