HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.