I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
concern
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.