Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
shut up and take my money
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails