[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I unironically love this joke.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.