My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: