told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children