[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
You Might Also Like
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?