[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Always…
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”