I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
real
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”