Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics