*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I finally found a reason to live again.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.