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Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.