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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sorry not sorry.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.