I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.