Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Mornin
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.