My dad is at it again
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Everyone’s family
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.