Everything reminds me of my ex
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.