Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party