Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster