Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
You Might Also Like
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.