Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
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I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!