What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is