I love art.
You Might Also Like
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.