“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet