Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”