I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier