Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…