Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.