Social Media and Real life
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.