*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.